Here I am again. A place I knew well only a little over a year ago. A place of self pity, of not knowing where I belong. It's not a pretty place. It's dark and lonely here. I am still wife, I am still mom, I am still a daughter of the king. That should be enough. It should be all I need.
This weekend my home church held a celebration of 150 years. In pictures I see faces of family and childhood friends. I see those who once taught me in Jr. Church and parents whose children I once babysat. I wasn't there. I couldn't be. I live too far away. I wonder if anyone noticed. Was I missed by anyone (besides my mother of course)? I am no longer a Hoosier except by birth. I am only one who visits now. I don't belong there.
Michigan became my home. There I was close enough to my hometown to drop in regularly. I made my life there as a young wife and mother. I faced hardships there and through them found mentors and friends. I have only been gone a short time and I love to go back knowing friends await my visit but again I am now only a visitor in a place I once called home. I don't belong there anymore.
So here I am in Minnesota. Starting to feel settled but still uneasy to say I'm from here. I am about to be uprooted again. Plans are made around me for a future day when I won't be here. I just started to feel a sense of belonging and now I don't.
And then there's Iowa. It is my future though I've never laid eyes upon it. I try, I really do, to talk about the move in a positive light. There are positives. I know there are but the reality is that I do not yet belong there either.
I want to be around people. I want to cling to those I've grown close too. Yet being around others is one of the hardest things. I can't answer their questions. I don't even know what to say most of the time. I try to hide my pain and tears but only create the awkwardness I'm trying to avoid. I don't even know what it is I want, what it is I yearn for. I don't know who can understand when I don't understand myself what is going on in my head.
I am lost. It is easy to go through the day to day motions of moving. I need an address and a move date so I can feel like I am accomplishing something. Without those things I am left to eventually go to the emotional and mental part of the move and there I wander.
