Lost

Here I am again.  A place I knew well only a little over a year ago.  A place of self pity, of not knowing where I belong.  It's not a pretty place.  It's dark and lonely here.  I am still wife, I am still mom, I am still a daughter of the king.  That should be enough.  It should be all I need.

This weekend my home church held a celebration of 150 years.  In pictures I see faces of family and childhood friends.  I see those who once taught me in Jr. Church and parents whose children I once babysat.  I wasn't there.  I couldn't be.  I  live too far away.  I wonder if anyone noticed.  Was I missed by anyone (besides my mother of course)?  I am no longer a Hoosier except by birth.  I am only one who visits now.  I don't belong there.

Michigan became my home.  There I was close enough to my hometown to drop in regularly.  I made my life there as a young wife and mother.  I faced hardships there and through them found mentors and friends.  I have only been gone a short time and I love to go back knowing friends await my visit but again I am now only a visitor in a place I once called home.  I don't belong there anymore.

So here I am in Minnesota.  Starting to feel settled but still uneasy to say I'm from here.  I am about to be uprooted again.  Plans are made around me for a future day when I won't be here.  I just started to feel a sense of belonging and now I don't.

And then there's Iowa.  It is my future though I've never laid eyes upon it.  I try, I really do, to talk about the move in a positive light.  There are positives.  I know there are but the reality is that I do not yet belong there either.

I want to be around people.  I want to cling to those I've grown close too.  Yet being around others is one of the hardest things.  I can't answer their questions. I don't even know what to say most of the time.  I try to hide my pain and tears but only create the awkwardness I'm trying to avoid.  I don't even know what it is I want, what it is I yearn for.  I don't know who can understand when I don't understand myself what is going on in my head.

I am lost.  It is easy to go through the day to day motions of moving.  I need an address and a move date so I can feel like I am accomplishing something.  Without those things I am left to eventually go to the emotional and mental part of the move and there I wander.

Here We Go Again....

In July I found out that both my boys got in to the school I wanted.

In mid-August JD and I went to Pine Haven camp and found a new camp home.

The end of August I got both boys signed up for swim lessons.  Somehow I managed to get them both in the same time slot, the only one that worked for us.

Last week we got the go ahead to start our home study for our adoption.

Last week the boys came home from school telling me how much they loved it.

The past few weeks I have taken advantage of great sales and now have my pantry stocked better than ever since we moved into this house.

On Wednesday Erin sent me a text, we had something to talk about, his company wants him to relocate.

Okay....here we go again.

Erin has decided to take the offer and move us to Dubuque, Iowa.  We have thought about it and talked about it and thought and talked some more and have decided to, "rip off the band-aid", and just get it over with.  Our plan is to move mid to late October.  Erin is getting the details worked out with his new boss and HR department.

We will have to put our adoption on hold.  We still plan to go through with it and in fact feel a bit guilty about having to put it on hold but if we are going to move, now is the ideal time in the process. We will still be accepting contributions toward the adoption.  When we get settled we will begin again with finding a home study agency.

Having gone through this before, I know the adjustment will not be easy but that God will be with us as we go.  We trust him to guide us in finding a place to live, a church family to serve with, and a daughter to love.  We thank you for lifting us up in prayer as we begin anew in another place we have yet to lay eyes on.

Little J's Preschool: Letters with slants pt.2

Over the summer we did school for an hourish most of the days we were home.  JJ used this time to continue on and finish learning her letters with slants.

W:

W is for watercolors.  JJ painted her W for her letter wall with watercolor paints.

W is for western wear and wizard glasses and wig and wallet and...well, let's just say that JJ enjoyed dressing up in W related items.

X:

X is for...not a lot really.  We decorated her X with cutouts of various X words.

Y:

Y is for yogurt.  JJ made a dessert with yogurt.

Z:

Z is for zip code.  JJ learned her zip code while learning the letter z.

Now we have moved on to letters that are circles (O,Q).  I have started some curriculum I did with the boys and we are getting in literature from a list of, 100 Books for Kindergarten, that I found on pinterest.

That's preschool as it stands right now.  Until next time, do you know your zip code? :)